Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
jdhot

Joke of the Day

Recommended Posts

My wife has received a pile of MAN jokes, very much like blonde jokes.

So I was sitting there listening to here read them out, when she came to this one

Well guy's I've got a good sense of humour, but this cracked me up!

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:rofl:

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three :yes3:

One to screw in the bulb .....

and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part :smoke:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hunting in the jungle

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer."

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo."

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train."

Snapping your life away

A Sky News photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "let's go."

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for Sky News," he responded. "And I need to get some closeup shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Conference call on Skype.....

Marty goes to get ice cream, sounds like he's opening it with a baseball bat.

Comes back, sits down and starts eating.

Talking stops then we hear "oohhh brain freeze."

Ledonna in the background "how can you tell?"

:rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Alright I have another one.... here's parts of a conversation.

Last week I call Lee on Sunday morning. I call him grandma since he broke both legs landboarding as he is now very cautious about things.

Joel: "Lee where are you we have the GKC meet today?"

Lee: "Oh crap, i'm heading down to geelong to pay for a ticket for my school reunion. I forgot to pay it and so i have to go in person to give them the money, it's on next Saturday."

Joel: "Alright grandma"

Hangup...

Last night.... Lee calls my phone....

Joel: "hello grandma"

Lee: "hahaha hi, what are you doing tonight?"

Joel: "Just organising dinner, had a late afternoon nap."

Lee: "You know that reunion I said I had on tonight?"

Joel: "Yeah"

Lee: "Well it was last night..."

Joel goes in to fits of laughter, tears streaming.

Joel puts Lee on hands free so Mel can hear the conversation.

Joel regains himself.

Joel: "holy sh** that's funny, hey Mel... Lee planned to be funny from last week! hahaha"

Mel: "At least you didn't drive all the way to Geelong to find out though, that's a good thing."

Lee: "yeah"

Joel: "hah, that would of brought me even more joy tonight! imagine that, oh crap that would of been even funnier."

Lee: "so what are you doing after dinner tonight?"

Joel: "ahh just have some stuff to finish before the night is out. Why?"

Lee: "oh I'm just not sure what i'm going to do tonight i'm all dressed up. Thinking of going to a club here in Geelong or one in Melbourne."

Joel: "What you drove all the way to geelong then found out?" uncontrollable fits of laughter start again....

Mel: "I don't know why you tell him these things Lee" more uncontrollable fits of laughter in amongst claiming it's Joel's fault she is laughing.

Lee: "yeah I really wanted to go"

Joel: "don't worry, you can plan again next time... just keep me on speed dial."

Regards,

.Joel

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied,

'Today is the viewing.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied

:rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So....when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH**

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

You mean I can still hold hopes for one of my daughters

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

You mean I can still hold hopes for one of my daughters

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×