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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has skinny happy wives that love sex.

The second floor has skinny happy wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

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I love a good laugh, very happy to see a thread like this!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of a river. One of the blondes yells out "How do I get to the other side?" The other replies "What are you talking about? Your on the other side."

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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Once Upon A Time

A Mumbai Indian, a black African, an Arabic Muslim and an tanned Australian were walking together on Bondi beach,

when the African stumbled over a Bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said.

"Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the African, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may Have the first wish."

He thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back To our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country,

loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof!It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began flying out,

then looked Out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset,

then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding west.

He said, "Just a slab of cold beer, It doesn't get any fuckin' better Than this!"

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Once Upon A Time

A Mumbai Indian, a black African, an Arabic Muslim and an tanned Australian were walking together on Bondi beach,

when the African stumbled over a Bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said.

"Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the African, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may Have the first wish."

He thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back To our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country,

loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof!It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began flying out,

then looked Out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset,

then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding west.

He said, "Just a slab of cold beer, It doesn't get any fuckin' better Than this!"

I call Boondock Saints on this one ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24KTx6W7JvQ&noredirect=1

//M

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

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TIGER WOODS

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball

towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

An astonished Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."

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The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.

If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the prick a mobility scooter.

.................

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

BANG BANG BANG BANG... "Oscar."

................

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.

Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

...............

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself, Grandma said and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a pint.

Before the Manager asks for pay-ment the man begins to chug down his drink and finishes in one go.

“That’s better he says, needed that.”, Manager says ‘that’ll’ be £3.00 please.

Man ermms, and says “I don’t have any money”

Manager quite fuming ‘WTF you mean you don’t have any money, you can’t order a pint and not pay for it’

‘As I said I don’t have any money, but what if I show you something amazing’

Manager realising he’s not going to get a penny, decides to agree

‘Ok then, show me “something Amazing”

Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster, plonks it onto the bar, hamster sits up on its hind legs and looks at the man.

After a short pause, man nods, hamster responds with a nod and starts to scurry across the bar, jumps onto the stool, onto the table, across the bookshelf, swings from the chandelier, onto the rails, crawls along and jumps onto the piano .

By this time , Manager and the rest of the people in the bar are watching intensively.

Before anyone says anything the hamster starts to play a number on the piano. The whole bar is amazed.

“That’s the most amazing thing I have every seen, you can most certainly have that pint on the house”

Hamster has returned back at the bar. Man says “Can I have another pint on the house, if I show something else amazing”

Manager replies “for you to get another pint on the house, it would have to be pretty damn amazing”, man agrees.

Reaching into his pocket, pulls out a frog and plonks it on the bar next to the hamster. The whole bar is silent and begin to crowd around.

The frog begins to open it’s mouth, wider and wider, the crowd move in closer.

And before you know it, the frog begins to sing in Opera. The crowd goes wild, cheering and applauding.

Manager plonks a pint onto the bar, “that’s is bloody amazing, here you go”

Just before he starts to reach for his pint, a onlooker rushes to the bar, reaches into his pockets and pulls out a large bundle of cash.

Frantically saying “I’ll give 2 Grand CASH, right now for your frog”, Man replies “sure why not”,

Before the man could change his mind, the onlooker hands over the cash, grabs the frog and legs it out of the bar.

Manger looking a little puzzled says “You’re a fool, you could have got millions for that frog, what a fool!”


Man sips his pint and says “ I’m no fool, my hamster’s a ventriloquist!”

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Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

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This wonderful gem of a man had a job as the Security Guard at  a construction site.. Every day about closing time this one guy would walk past the security checkpoint pushing a wheelbarrow full of dirt. This puzzled the security guard as his suspicions were raised and he was positive the guy was up to something.. The next day he stopped the guy, sifted through the dirt and found nothing. The following day he kept a small sample of the dirt thinking it might have specials properties and sent it to be analyzed. He found out it was dirt..

Still with not being able to prove his suspicions he watched day after day as the guy pushed the load of dirt past the checkpoint at the end of the day.. Finally the job ended and the building was built. They all went their merry way.

One evening a few years later the ex-security guard runs into the guy at a bar and offers to buy him a drink. He starts talking to the guy and decides what the hey? I'll just ask. So clearing this throat he finally says, "You know when we were working that construction site a few years back, I was absolutely sure you were up to no good. I was convinced you were stealing but I could never prove it.. It's water under the bridge now but please tell me what was going on? What were you stealing?".. The guy leaned over and answered. "Wheelbarrows"

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Winters coming. Time to revive joke of the day....

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a baby giraffe sitting next to him.
"Are you a baby giraffe?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes." said the baby giraffe.
"What are you doing at the movies?" said the man.
The giraffe replied, "Well, I liked the book." 

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